Caipie needs to do a little clank clank on his keyboard and get the brainz straight. I'm feeling rrrreally ..apathetic. I feel like I'm running dry on motivation, like super dry. Like the little icon on my brain's dashboard was blinking last week, and I said "oh it's enough for now!". I took that way too far just now. lol Just an overall pewp week, as I can't say I've made any real progress anywhere. My mental recap just reminds me that I've lost touch with 2 good friends so far, and now I'm in this permanent state of boredom for no real reason. There's plenty of other people to talk to, but it's just not clicking, and I really don't want to talk to some of my other friends just because I'm hung up on other things. I've also been getting behind on my shit for classes, and what should now be an giant gaping hole of time to catch-up is being wasted because I'm all empty inside. I feel like those weird little balls of angry, confusion lines that appear over anime character's heads are raping me. lol It's even taking forever to type this shit because my head's all over the place.

So I'm chillaxing at 3AM listening to the new Cold War Kids album, checking random sites on the internet to involve myself in, and I just signed off skype and pidgin because I didn't feel I was getting anywhere. For what's worth, so far CWK's "Loyalty to Loyalty" isn't too bad, but I'm gonna have to listen to it once or twice more before I really like any of the songs. I hate that. With TV on the Radio's "Dear Science" I found the good'uns pretty quick, and the ones I knew I'd probably skip over shortly after. Music shouldn't have to involve work. lol The whole Dear Science album is on youtube, which is nice, to get an idea of the cd. Anyhow, the situation with my first friend really isn't that bad, but because of a relocation of sorts it's just  now. Could be no situation at all! I suck when writing at length, and that's basically where I'm at now. I get distracted too often, so I know the next time I write back it's going to be in like 2 days in a panic because I kept putting off my little mini-essay. lol The second friend is a bit more complicated, but safe to say it's an overall loss for pretty stupid reasons I probably brought on myself. Still an annoyance not to have a person you've invested your time in there to hear you and be heard. I feel like if I'd been honest with my thoughts from the get-go I could've probably avoided this all. I'll figure this mess out soon enough! I make it sound worse than it really is, but I think it's a good idea because it helps me deal with all my brain clutter. It's everywhere!

Onto other matters.I just feel like fucking shit lately. It's hard to feel all that good when it seems things aren't ever going the ways you'd hoped, and when it drags on through days and weeks it's just this building feeling of frustration without any climax. I hate that. I hate standing outside in the sun with my dog, throwing around his toys or messing with his rope and not being able to share his excitement. That's so defeating, because it makes me  doubt myself when this kind of stuff was what really made me smile not that long ago. I picture myself from an outsider's perspective and I look like a complete asshole with nothing to look forward to. God this is depressing to write, I can't imagine what it's going to be like for a reader. lol Windows Media Player has rolled over to the Robbers & Cowards album, though, and "Hang me out to dry" always gets me in that head-bob lull. lol It's just a good song to hear when I'm not at my best, because it seems relative, even if it's really not. It's that good shit. I didn't mention "We used to vacation" even though it's probably my favorite of the group just because it's so involving that you kind of forget you've listened to it. Does that make sense? It sounds kind of retarded in retrospect, but "w/ers". lol I'm kind of in better spirits than I was before I started writing, so at least I know my tried and true method of "dealing" still works. I shoud've shared some of this with my good friend will soon be a super soldier in a crazy european army, but sometimes that's just not my style. If you're reading this at some point, just know that it's not because I don't feel like I can open up. I'm just weird!

Is it gay that I kind of like writing random shit like this once it's finished? I think I just like to remind myself I can write meaningful statements after a long day of "lulz", plus I get that feeling of accomplishment once it's all said and done. Always nice. /nod Time to wrap this baby up, I think. To recap, things are really not as bad as they seem, I've really only lost 1 friend overall, and that may not be a total loss. I'll just have to figure out what to do. Playing with my dog is still awesome, and if I'm not having fun then I'm just ruining it for myself. He's super fucking into it, doing his little fat kid hops when the ring gets within reach, so there's no reason I shouldn't be too. lol He's going to be patiently waiting at the top of stairs when I wake up in like 6 hours and we're gonna have a fucking ball outside. God, that reminds me of my first entry in my LJ. I actually wrote about getting his toy stuck on our roof and documented my awesome plot to get it down. Very sad. lol Fuck layouts and formating! Payce!

P.S. - I feel like I gave zero credit to the friends I do talk to on a daily basis that keep me cheery and laughing. I'm not going to name name's, but you know who you are because you're of the small crowd that's -probably- bothered to read this far. lol Stay fabulous, bitches. lolol

Song of the day: Cold War Kids - Relief

Pic of the day:
 - Tiny bestfriendtaru does the arduous service of being my arm-rest while I recover!

Tags: Cow Way2long Sadpie Ramblez

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